at the end of boredom, at the end of embarrassment, at the end of our life

5:10 a.m. and it’s official: we’re exhausted. Oh, not out of breath like in 2016, far from it. Rather exhausted, downright exhausted. This Slam Dunk Contest 2022 is already registered as one of the most slammed in history if not “the”, and it will be necessary very quickly to ask a few questions to give a little credit to a event supposed to be one of the showcases of the NBA.

Obi Toppin, Cole Anthony, Juan Toscano-Anderson and Jalen Green. In itself the line-up offered was not so crappy, with a few athletes who had already proven themselves in matches. The jury was also full of glitter since Clyde Drexler, Dominique Wilkins and Julius Erving are not far from the best tomar, in all the history of the NBA please, while David Robinson and Isiah Thomas for their part shone with all their class. Unfortunately at the time of these lines, our five courageous people are probably crying tears of blood, like the public present during the “show”, like all of us who got up with the hope of vibrating in front of the screen. Finally ? We could almost have guessed, as the preamble to this Slam Dunk Contest had already, in a way, launched the theme of the evening. A messy Skills Challenge, with more mess lying around on the floor than in a four-year-old kid’s bedroom, a WTF intermission in Turn Carousel mode with the Curry couple who must still be wondering what happened to do in this mess, a breath, phew, with the victory of an incredible Karl-Anthony Towns during the 3-points Contest, and therefore THE main event of the evening, oh my god if we had known, oh my god the two hours of sleep we lost.

The general mood a few minutes after the light off? It’s not that we got pissed off, it’s that it was downright embarrassing. Cole Anthony had started hostilities rather well by calling his daron on the floor before putting on… Timberland for his first dunk, but if the Slam Dunk Contest was a joke contest, it would be known. A failed dunk, two failed dunks, three failed dunks, we yawn for the first time, if only we knew what awaits us. A quarter of an hour lost and Juan Toscano-Anderson did the job by passing over Andrew Wiggins, Obi Toppin managed after a few tries to pass a fairly technical tomar, when one of the heroes of the evening appeared: Jalen Green. And that’s where it all falls apart. Self-promo based on NFT, everything we hate (self-promo eh, not NFT), Jalen hops like a kid, oozes flow as much as his old-school Rockets outfit, but on the contrary his games with Houston in which he puts on a show but loses, tonight Jalen lost on all counts. Exaggerated staging, a dozen (we stopped counting when tying the knot) failed dunks in the first round, and a disturbing feeling that rises everywhere, visible right down to the eyes of the poor kid, well aware of the awkward atmosphere he was creating. After four hours by train Jalen will finally pass a dunk, nice we can move on even if we are not sure we want to. Ah, so we were right not to want to. The second round is a purge, Jalen Green passes his second dunk a little faster and in the end it is Obi Toppin and Juan Toscano-Anderson who will fight for the trophy, but honestly the fact of seeing each guy waiting for his 37th try to pass a dunk has already lost us a bit.

The end of the lease will only be the end of a… ball, a long-awaited moment for drunk meats that offers a big general because of a pogo gone wrong. Juan Toscano-Anderson first tries to replicate Vince Carter’s dunk, the one with the elbow in the circle, but for JTA the word “elbow” apparently means “finger”. The Warriors kangaroo then puts on Jason Richardson’s jersey and tries to replicate one of his signature dunks, but instead he replicates the signature dunk of Jason Richardson, a Danish soccer player or something. Or rather he does not reproduce it because all his attempts fail, in short, in short, in short… In the end Obi Toppin will win the competition well having passed one or two big dunks, really huh, but like a baritone in an orchestra composed only of singers of metal, it is absolutely not Obi’s performance that we remember today.

A purge, literally. Quick, NBA, do something and save us from drowning, save this contest from its own doom it’s running to. Ban props, ban Jalen Green for life, do something. We ? We didn’t even want to show you the pictures, a bit like Gordon Hayward had put his ankle in Z, but we’re going to do it anyway. How do we say ? Ah yes: “I saw then you will see”.